yiying my darling,
意映卿卿如晤：
with this letter, i bid you a final farewell! i am writing this as a living person on earth, but i will be a ghost in the underworld by the time you read this. ink and tears flow in equal measure as i write. i can hardly go on and want to put my pen away, but i am afraid you would misunderstand my heart and think that i am so callous as to forsake you, or that i seek death without knowing your wish for me to stay alive. so, i have to overcome my sorrow to explain.
吾今以此书与汝永别矣!吾作此书时，尚是世中一人;汝看此书时，吾已成为阴间一鬼。吾作此书，泪珠和笔墨齐下，不能竟书而欲搁笔，又恐汝不察吾衷，谓吾忍舍汝而死，谓吾不知汝之不欲吾死也，故遂忍悲为汝言之。
i love you to death! and love gives me the courage to face death. ever since i met you, i often wished that all the lovers in the world would find fulfillment as we have. but, the reality is that the land is permeated in blood, and vicious thugs roam the streets. how many families can claim true happiness? just like the tang poet, bai juyi, cries for the misfortune of a concubine, i could not be like the ancient sages who held themselves aloof from the ordeals of the common people. it is said: "benevolence is to take care of the old as you would your own parents, to take care of the young as you would your own children." as my heart is filled with love for you, that love makes me yearn to help others love whom they love. that is why i dare to die and leave you behind. i believe that, as you understand my heart, you would, even in your tears of sorrow, be glad to sacrifice my life and your well-being, for the long-lasting happiness of all the people. please do not be sad!
吾至爱汝!即此爱汝一念，使吾勇于就死也。吾自遇汝以来，常愿天下有情人都成眷属;然遍地腥云，满街狼犬，称心快意，几家能彀?司马青衫，吾不能学太上之忘情也。语云：仁者 “老吾老，以及人之老;幼吾幼，以及人之幼”。吾充吾爱汝之心，助天下人爱其所爱，所以敢先汝而死，不顾汝也。汝体吾此心，于啼泣之余，亦以天下人为念，当亦乐牺牲吾身与汝身之福利，为天下人谋永福也。汝其勿悲!
do you remember? in one evening about four or five years ago, i once said, "if one of us were to die, i wish that you would die before me." at first, you were angry when you heard of it. after i gently explained my intention, you still did not agree but could not refute me. what i meant was, i knew you would not have been able to bear the sadness of my death if i were to die first. my death would have left you in a cruel agony. i would rather that it was me who would bear the sadness of our separation in death. alas, it is i who will have to die first!
汝忆否?四五年前某夕，吾尝语曰：“与使吾先死也，无宁汝先吾而死。”汝初闻言而怒，后经吾婉解，虽不谓吾言为是，而亦无词相答。吾之意盖谓以汝之弱，必不能禁失吾之悲，吾先死，留苦与汝，吾心不忍，故宁请汝先死，吾担悲也。嗟夫!谁知吾卒先汝而死乎?
i can never ever forget about you! i can visualize our family residence in backstreet, and mentally enter the front door, walk through the hallway, pass both the front and back parlors, into the smaller parlor after a few turns, and the adjacent bedroom where we lived together. remember three or four months into our marriage, on a winter night of a full moon, sparse plum branches outside the window sieved moonlight into exquisite shadows. side by side, hand in hand, softly we talked. every experience was shared, and every feeling was exchanged! oh, the memories left tear stains on my face! i also remember about six or seven years ago, after i returned home from a period of desertion, you tearfully told me: "you must let me know next time you go on a long trip. i will accompany you wherever you go." i promised you then that i would. a little more than ten days ago when i came back home, i wanted to tell you about this journey. however, when i was with you, i could not bring it up. especially since you are pregnant, i was afraid you could not bear the sadness. all i could do was to take refuge in alcohol. alas, my wrenching agony at that time was beyond words.
吾真真不能忘汝也!回忆后街之屋，入门穿廊，过前后厅，又三四折，有小厅，厅旁一室，为吾与汝双栖之所。初婚三四个月，适冬之望日前后，窗外疏梅筛月影，依稀掩映;吾与(汝)并肩携手，低低切切，何事不语?何情不诉?及今思之，空余泪痕。又回忆六七年前，吾之逃家复归也，汝泣告我：“望今后有远行，必以告妾，妾愿随君行。”吾亦既许汝矣。前十余日回家，即欲乘便以此行之事语汝，及与汝相对，又不能启口，且以汝之有身也，更恐不胜悲，故惟日日呼酒买醉。嗟夫!当时余心之悲，盖不能以寸管形容之。
it is my true wish to live out our lives together, but based on the current state of affairs-natural disasters can kill us, thieves and robbers can kill us, the upheaval in the breaking up of china by foreign powers can kill us, corrupt and despotic officials who abuse people can kill us. our generation lives in a country where death can strike people at any time, anywhere. when that happens to one of us, could you or i bear to just helplessly watch the other die? even if we escape death, what is to prevent us from being forced to separate from each other until our longing eyes become blind and our yearning bones turn into fossils? the pain of separation is worse than death. and, just like a broken mirror cannot be restored, families separated hardly end in a happy reunion. we are fortunate to be alive and healthy today. but the number of people who had wished to live yet perished, and couples who had wished to be together yet were separated, is countless. can true lovers like us bear with this? that is why i have made the decision to lay down my life, even if it means losing you. i will have no regrets. the success of the revolution will be on the shoulders of my comrades. yixin is five years old now, he will be a grown man soon. please raise him well and make him like me. i suspect the life in your womb is a girl. if so, she surely will be like you, and i will be very glad. or maybe it is a boy, then please educate him to follow my aspirations. so there will be two of me after my death. great! great! our family will become very poor. poverty is not a great hardship for a life lived simply.
吾诚愿与汝相守以死，第以今日事势观之，天灾可以死，盗贼可以死，瓜分之日可以死，奸官污吏虐民可以死，吾辈处今日之中国，国中无地无时不可以死。到那时使吾眼睁睁看汝死，或使汝眼睁睁看吾死，吾能之乎?抑汝能之乎?即可不死，而离散不相见，徒使两地眼成穿而骨化石，试问古来几曾见破镜能重圆?则较死为苦也，将奈之何?今日吾与汝幸双健。天下人不当死而死与不愿离而离者，不可数计，钟情如我辈者，能忍之乎?此吾所以敢率性就死不顾汝也。吾今死无余憾，国事成不成自有同志者在。依新已五岁，转眼成人，汝其善抚之，使之肖我。汝腹中之物，吾疑其女也，女必像汝，吾心甚慰。或又是男，则亦教其以父志为志，则吾死后尚有二意洞在也。幸甚，幸甚!吾家后日当甚贫，贫无所苦，清静过日而已。
i have no more words. if i should hear your wails from afar in the underworld, i ought to answer with wails of my own. i do not believe in ghosts, but now i wish they do exist. nowadays people also claim that telepathy is possible via bio-electrical signals. i also hope the claim is true. so after my death, my spirit will still be at your side and you will not feel the sorrow of losing your spouse.
吾今与汝无言矣。吾居九泉之下遥闻汝哭声，当哭相和也。吾平日不信有鬼，今则又望其真有。今是人又言心电感应有道，吾亦望其言是实，则吾之死，吾灵尚依依旁汝也，汝不必以无侣悲。
i had not revealed to you my aspirations. it is my fault. but if i had told you, i was afraid that you would worry about me every day. i could willingly sacrifice my life for my country a hundred times, but i cannot bear the thought of you worrying for me. i love you most deeply, and i am always anxious that i have not thought of you carefully enough. you were fortunate to marry me, but are unfortunate to have been born in today's china. i am fortunate to have you but so unfortunate to have been born in today's china. in the end, i cannot tend only to my self-interest. sigh! so much love, so small a handkerchief, and so many feelings from the heart left unsaid, but you can glean the rest. i can no longer see you now! i know you won't be able to let me go. will you see me often in your dreams? i am tumultuous!
吾平生未尝以吾所志语汝，是吾不是处;然语之，又恐汝日日为吾担忧。吾牺牲百死而不辞，而使汝担忧，的的非吾所忍。吾爱汝至，所以为汝谋者惟恐未尽。汝幸而偶我，又何不幸而生今日中国!吾幸而得汝，又何不幸而生今日之中国!卒不忍独善其身。嗟夫!巾短情长，所未尽者，尚有万千，汝可以模拟得之。吾今不能见汝矣!汝不能舍吾，其时时于梦中得我乎!一恸。
written at apr/24/1911 2am
辛未三月廿六夜四鼓，意洞手书。
ps: our aunts are all proficient in literature. please ask them for help if anything is unclear, i really want you to fully appreciate my heart.
家中诸母皆通文，有不解处，望请其指教，当尽吾意为幸。
